When Jack was small he liked to try new things. But with each new thing he tried, he found his parents to be critical.

There always seemed to be something wrong, and he was repeatedly told he could do better and be more like his brother.

In time Jack lost is enthusiasm to try anything new, and came to think that there was something wrong with him, and that he was not loved.

Years later, acting from this sense of lack, Jack searched for someone to love him. He tried many relationships but they all seemed doomed to fail. His partners would often find him needy, and their eyes would stray to other men, sometimes cheating on him.

Even when some partners stood by him, Jack found himself unable to believe that they really loved him. And he struggled to trust them based on his experience of relationships in his past. His inability to trust would eventually lead to the relationship’s demise.

For many years Jack blamed the partners for their behaviour. He was unable to see the role that he played.

At the point of desperation, Jack started mindful inquiry into his relationships. Through this he came to understand that there was something ‘within him’ that was running the show. And that ‘something’ was the belief that he was unlovable.

He was able to see how this had developed in his childhood as he had taken his parents words to heart. He had carried this wound with him through the years and had begun to see the world from this perspective.

The belief that he was not lovable was both leading him to search for love, whilst at the same time sabotaging any idea of that happening.

Because that belief had become so central to who he took himself to be, that he could not break through to experience himself without it.

It had become his identity – the way he thought about himself, the feeling tone he was accustomed to, the way he imaged himself in his own mind.

Once the belief was brought out into the light of awareness, along with the associated uncomfortable images and sensations, it no longer had any hold over Jack,

He has lived happily both in and out of steady relationships ever since, and never again felt that sense of lack.

What’s more, after inquiry Jack began to try new things too. It started with hand gliding. But then he left the job he hated, and went into business selling gliders.

And that went very well for him too!


In the `Kiloby Inquiries, we call these stories of a sense of lack ‘deficiency stories’.

They are often hidden under the surface, but really running the show – a bit like the surface ripples of a river may flow differently to the strong current underneath.

These stories can have images, words and sensations attached, and can feel so familiar to how we experience ourselves, it is difficult to see beyond them and let them go.

Which is why these stories always lead us to act in ways that ultimately confirm their bias.

But by mining our experience we can uncover these deficiency stories and bring them out into the open. We can remove these limitations we have placed on our life.

The experience of being free of them is nearly always one of clarity and peace, and of finding a new level of truth.

If there is an area of your life where you are trying to get something, or be free of something – and it never happens for you….

(Think work, exercise, money, relationship, trauma, self-view, and so on)

…… I really recommend these inquiries.

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